When someone special dies there's this feeling inside of you where you just don't want to do or you want to do but you don't. At least that's how I feel. My very dear and special person died unexpectedly and it's like life stopped for me. I stopped writing this beautiful sequel to The Dance Instructor. I stopped getting up and moving around, answering my phone, doing my hair, homework is backed-up, etc... I just stopped as if that would some how bring my person back.  I'll tell you what didn't stop...the pain, the hurt, the anger, the breaking of my heart didn't stop. The memories didn't stop and anxiety didn't stop and all of a sudden I could hear my special person in my ear saying "Boo, you're not dead yet" Every new day and every new night as I feel what I feel these  feelings scream you're not dead yet. Hell, I'm not ready to be either But I haven't found the constructive way to deal yet I don't know how to begin to process and navigate pass this immense loss of a wonderful human-being. Anybody, have any ideas how to jump back in there? 

Sure I have loss special people in my life before, I just need to be clear about that, but none have put me in this space. None have wallowed and weighed on me so much so that I am not consciously functioning. Even writing this feels like an outer-body experience.  The grip on  my mind, body, and soul tightening.  Funny, I'm not looking for any make it better solutions but I hoped venting about it would loosen the grip. The irony of knowing that in this life we are guaranteed to die and those who live on keep on pressing, pushing, battling through daily life but the beauty is grief has no playbook, no set amount of time before you must let that shit go.  I know gradually it gets better. One day you crack a smile, or take a walk or a bath even and normal things start to happen again I just hope not to screw everything up while I wait to be me again.